What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
You may now shotgun with the bride
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
