Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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