If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
