You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I stole a fireplace last night.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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