Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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