Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
