I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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