i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
