apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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