I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
we made out on top of his cat.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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