I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
