I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
