you turned your livingroom into a bong?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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