You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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