Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
