Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
