yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
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