They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
