Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
