Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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