Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
