You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
