I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
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