Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
