1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
