Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
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