I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
