He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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