At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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