Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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