the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
