Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
