I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
