Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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