the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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