you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
