i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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