I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
