I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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