i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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