That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
