is your mom at the bar?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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