Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
