my vag is so smooth its legendary
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
