Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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