I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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