i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The best revenge is premature balding
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
