i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Come see our sink grown plant.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
