it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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