He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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